When we talk about menopause, the first things that usually come to mind are hot flushes, sleepless nights, and mood changes. What’s less often spoken about, sometimes even in whispers, is how menopause affects intimacy, desire, and our connection to our bodies. For many midlife women, this can feel like the most isolating part of the transition. That’s why conversations like this one matter so deeply.

I had the opportunity to speak with Jessica Drake, award-winning sex educator and Director of Marketing and Product Development at Wicked Sensual Care, about intimacy during menopause. Jessica brings a wealth of knowledge, compassion, and practicality to a subject that is too often wrapped in shame or silence.

In this interview, she opens up about the real factors that influence libido beyond hormones, shares accessible tools for easing vaginal dryness and discomfort, and reminds us that intimacy is far more expansive than just penetrative sex. She offers wisdom on navigating changing bodies, mismatched desire in relationships, and how midlife can become a turning point for cultivating sexual confidence instead of losing it.

Most importantly, Jessica reframes intimacy in midlife not as something that diminishes, but as an opportunity, a chance to rediscover our bodies, explore new forms of pleasure, and embrace connection on our own terms. This is a conversation for every woman who has ever felt disconnected from her sensuality in midlife, and for every partner who wants to better understand how to walk this path together.

Many women report a decline in sexual desire during menopause. From your experience as a sex educator, what are some of the most overlooked factors, beyond hormones, that influence libido in midlife?

The reality is, during this time, the hormone imbalance is usually what pushes people to seek professional or outside help when it comes to a diminishing sex drive. Previously, other triggers like stress or medications may have been present, but if our hormone levels are great, we may still feel turned on anyway. Painful sex may also be a reason people experience a loss of libido, but this can be related to vaginal dryness, and attributed to, guess what? A hormonal imbalance. It’s all connected!

Vaginal dryness and discomfort are common menopausal symptoms. What practical, accessible tools or products do you recommend to help women feel comfortable and confident again during intimacy?

• HYDRATE. From the inside out. Make sure you’re drinking plenty of water. Use a vaginal moisturiser for your vulva like you would lotion for your legs or hands. Simply timeless hybrid lubricant from Wicked Sensual Care is an amazing place to begin. 
• Focus on your body & find what feels good. Do more of that. If nature is your thing, spend more time outdoors. Craving touch? Get a massage. 
• Redefine “intimacy”. To some, this is much more than penetrative sex and can end up much more satisfying. Many people who have vulvas can only orgasm via clitoral stimulation alone and don’t even need actual penetration to feel good. Intimacy can vary from week to week, day to day, hour to hour, and minute to minute, depending on the mood of everyone involved. It’s a great idea to have conversations about what your needs are at any given moment. You can even say something to your partner like “I want to feel close to you, but my body can’t have penetrative sex right now.” This can help to manage feelings of rejection and keep you connected as a couple.

How do you approach conversations with women who feel shame or embarrassment around changing bodies and sexual responses in menopause?

I let them know that this is something that is going to impact everyone with a vulva at some point. It’s a fact of life, like puberty. You are not going crazy. You may not feel like yourself, but there’s a reason, and there are things that can help. Every day, we’re shaping the way future generations think and talk about sex and ageing while we create a better support system for people experiencing perimenopause. In the meantime, the more we talk about it, the more people we will find who need our expertise. 

In your role at Wicked Sensual Care, how do you ensure that products are inclusive and supportive of women at every stage of life, particularly menopause?

First, we recognise that all bodies are different and everyone has different preferences. Our goal as a brand is to educate people and help them make the best decisions for their bodies. Our entire line of products is pH-balanced, vegan, and paraben-free, and we take the approach of “lube is (very!) intimate skincare”. From there, we have specific categories that cater to different needs, preferences and sensitivities. Our simply timeless collection is formulated very specifically for people experiencing peri or beyond, using carefully selected supportive ingredients that add even more moisture and hydration.

Many couples struggle with mismatched desires during this transition. What strategies do you suggest for partners to stay connected emotionally and physically, even when intimacy shifts?

Couples during every stage of life should have shared interests and ways to connect that aren’t just sex! The groundwork for this ideally comes before the transition into peri and menopause, find the likes and interests you have in common. Develop hobbies and learn new things together. Don’t stop talking. Communication will be really helpful with getting you through rough patches, and when we’re talking about ageing, people with penises are impacted, too. Physically, even if you aren’t having sex the way you still were before, touch is still an incredibly important component of intimacy. Hold hands, hug, cuddle, kiss, stroke, pet, or massage your partner. These are things that can add pleasure without pressure.

There’s often a misconception that sex in midlife or beyond becomes less fulfilling. What truths or positive reframes would you like women to hear instead?

Sex in midlife or beyond is a great opportunity to explore new things and redefine intimacy. It’s a chance for you to get to know your body better than anyone – possibly for the first time. Invest in yourself because you are deserving of pleasure. 

How do lifestyle factors, stress, sleep, and self-image play into sexual wellbeing during menopause, and what small steps can women take to reclaim their intimacy?

Each one is a very small piece of a complicated puzzle with confusing directions! It’s very important to acknowledge that everyone is different. Some people will get hot flashes, some will not. Some people will have regular periods for a very long time during perimenopause. Some people will gain weight. Some will lose muscle. Only some people lose their libido… and so on. That being said, we know that when we are well hydrated and eat healthy(ish!) food, we generally feel better. Same with going outside and trying to reduce stress and getting enough sleep, it’s all beneficial, but in the real world, it’s tough to do it all when, face it, many of us simply don’t care or we’re feeling so bad we can’t be bothered.

Here are a few small steps:

1. Do something every day that centres YOU and makes you feel good.
2. Be honest about your needs (sleep, food, being outside, moving your body, etc.) and do something in that category each day.
3. Log your periods and symptoms, and talk to a doctor about your experiences/symptoms. Tell them that what you’re going through is impacting your quality of life, and ask them what to do about it. If they have no idea, ask to have your hormone levels checked multiple times.
4. Go easy on yourself.
5. Reclaim yourself first, and the intimacy will follow.

From a product development perspective, what innovations in lubricants, arousal gels, or intimate care excite you most for supporting women in midlife?

I’m really proud to be a co-creator of Simply Timeless, it’s the first collection of lubricants and vaginal moisturisers designed SPECIFICALLY for people in peri and menopause. The Simply Collection is free from glycerin and propylene glycol, and what makes the timeless Collection ideal for midlife is all the supportive ingredients that provide even more hydration and protection for sensitive intimate skin. We’re also currently working on expanding the line to bring people even more pleasure with some really unique spa-quality ingredients.

Many women say they’ve never really talked openly about sex, even before menopause. How can midlife be a turning point for breaking that silence and cultivating sexual confidence?

I think midlife gives people a great opportunity to understand just how common this is- each time I speak to a room full of people about perimenopause, most everyone in the room is nodding their head and saying, “YES. ME TOO.” And then afterwards, we all sit around asking one another about each other’s experiences. Just know that when you’re going into this, you’re not alone at all, and the more we speak up, the better it will be for future generations. Let’s give them the info we wish we had.

If you could give one piece of advice to women in menopause who feel disconnected from their sensuality, what would it be?

Connect with yourself. Come back into your body and give yourself (and it) all the grace. Discover what pleases you and do more of that. Be gentle with yourself. You’re changing. We’re all changing, and that’s OK.

If my words have helped you, a small contribution here will allow them to continue reaching the women who need them most. Also, don't forget to join me on Substack, where I share my Love Notes, a gentle pause in your week to reflect, realign, and reconnect in midlife. It’s not just another newsletter; it’s an intimate circle where I offer fresh intentions, soulful prompts, and simple but powerful shifts to inspire purposeful, creative living. Together, we’ll uncover the small but meaningful changes that help you design a life that feels beautifully your own.