In this powerful and eye-opening conversation, I sit down with Mariah Freya, a renowned and certified sex coach and the visionary CEO of Beducated.com. As the woman behind one of the world’s leading platforms for pleasure-based sex education, Mariah is on a mission to rewrite the narrative around intimacy, empowerment, and sexual well-being.

Beducated brings pleasure-based learning straight into the bedroom with an ever-growing digital library of over 100 online courses – covering everything from oral sex guides and sensual massage to conscious kink and rope bondage – all led by top global experts in the field.

In this interview, we dive into the power of sexual self-awareness, the importance of intimacy at every life stage (including midlife and menopause), and how women can reclaim connection, confidence, and pleasure, no matter their age. This is a must-read for anyone ready to break taboos and embrace a more fulfilled, connected version of themselves.

#1 The belief that menopause signals the end of an enjoyable sex life is still deeply ingrained in society. What are the most damaging misconceptions about menopause and intimacy?

That menopause represents some kind of expiration date on pleasure. Our culture perpetuates this narrative that women peak sexually in their 20s, and it’s all downhill from there, especially after menopause. What’s fascinating is that our data tells a completely different story. In multiple surveys we’ve conducted with thousands of participants, women over 40 consistently report higher sexual satisfaction and significantly more confidence in the bedroom than their younger counterparts. In our 2024 Sex Report, women over 40 were the demographic most likely to rate their sexual happiness at the highest levels. Yes, menopause brings changes like vaginal dryness and a fluctuating libido. Most of the time, all you need is a little adaptation, like using lube or prioritising sex beyond penetration.

How can we challenge them?

We need to stop framing these midlife sexual adaptations as solely women’s issues. Men experience their own set of changes, like decreased erectile firmness, longer refractory periods, and shifting sensitivities. Sexual change is a human experience, not a gendered one. Just talk about it, be honest about what you need, what you want, how you’re feeling, and encourage your partner to do the same. It’s ok for sex to be a little goofy and awkward. Normalise clunky sex!

#2 Many women struggle with body confidence and self-image during menopause, which can affect their desire for intimacy. What practical steps can women take to reconnect with their bodies and maintain a positive sexual self-image?

Self-confidence and body image can be very personal. It’s important to note that menopause can impact your mood and sleep, and even cause stress. Your body is changing; that’s completely normal. Just being aware of that might help you see your body in a different light already. Talk to your doctor about how you’re feeling and discuss treatment options with them. Sometimes, simply finding solutions to mitigate adverse symptoms can do wonders for gaining back your confidence.

Other than that, try doing things that you know will make you feel good about yourself, like wearing a bold red lipstick to work or using a luxurious body lotion or lingerie that you enjoy. It sounds cliché, but we all know we feel at our best when we’re taking care of ourselves.

Touch matters, too. Our research consistently shows that women of all ages who maintain a regular self-pleasure practice report feeling more confident and happy with their sex lives. If that

feels like too much right now, even a daily self-massage with nice oil can help you experience your body as a source of pleasure rather than just something that’s seen.

#3 With estrogen and testosterone levels dropping, many women report a decline in libido. What are the most effective natural and medical ways to support sexual desire during menopause?

First, I’m not a doctor. These insights come from my experience as a sex coach working with women, but please consult with your healthcare provider before trying any new approach to addressing libido changes.

That said, declining desire during menopause is incredibly common and completely normal. When estrogen and testosterone drop, many women experience not just decreased interest in sex but also physical changes that can make sex less comfortable.

For natural approaches that work (not just wellness industry hype), regular movement tops the list. Exercise increases blood flow to the genitals and boosts endorphins that contribute to desire. Even a daily walk can make a difference. Stress management is equally crucial. When your body’s in survival mode, your libido gets pushed to the back burner. Meditation, adequate sleep, and setting boundaries around your energy can create the mental space necessary for desire to emerge. For many women, scheduling “pleasure time” – whether solo or with a partner – helps maintain the mind-body connection. Your brain is your most powerful sex organ, and keeping those neural pathways active matters tremendously.

#4 You’ve mentioned that blood flow slows down and the body’s sexual response changes. How can women and their partners adapt to these changes to keep intimacy satisfying?

There are several other things you can do in the bedroom to adapt to your changing body. First of all, take your time with foreplay and arousal. You’ll need more time to get your blood flowing to your genitals, so be patient! I know it’s hard, but try not to stress about having an orgasm. This goes for anyone, really – the more you think about it, the less likely you are to have one. Embrace non-goal-oriented intimacy. Take your time to enjoy each other’s bodies, and if at some point you’re not feeling it anymore, there’s no shame in stopping. Finally, don’t underestimate the power of position changes. Positions that give you control over depth and pace (like being on top) often allow for more comfort. Using pillows for support can also reduce tension in your pelvic area.

#5 You highlight that 70% of people don’t need penetration for a fulfilling sex life. Can you share some practical ways couples can deepen intimacy and explore pleasure without penetration?

Here are practical approaches that work:

First, try the “everything but” approach. Set aside time where penetration is deliberately off the table. This removes performance pressure and opens up exploration. Many couples discover entire landscapes of sensation they’ve been rushing past in their hurry to get to penetration.

Massage exchanges create deep connections. Not just a quick shoulder rub, but taking 15-20 minutes to focus completely on your partner’s pleasure through touch. Use quality oil and explore different pressures and strokes. This builds both arousal and emotional intimacy.

Oral sex becomes particularly important during menopause. The clitoris isn’t affected by estrogen loss the same way vaginal tissues are, so clitoral stimulation often remains pleasurable even when penetration doesn’t. Learning new techniques here can open up reliable paths to orgasm.

Many couples find mutual masturbation extremely intimate (and hot). Watching and being watched create vulnerability and learning. You’ll see exactly how your partner touches themselves, which is valuable information you can’t get any other way.

Sex toys aren’t just novelties but practical tools. A good vibrator provides consistent stimulation that many women need more of as their hormones change. Using toys together removes the “it’s taking too long” pressure that kills arousal.

Temperature wakes up nerve endings across the body. Ice cubes traced along the inner thighs or warm oil drizzled on the back create full-body engagement. In our recent survey, temperature play (especially with ice) was mentioned repeatedly as a favourite technique.

Extended makeout sessions often fall by the wayside in long-term relationships. Returning to deep kissing, with full attention and without rushing to “move things along,” reconnects couples to early relationship pleasure.

The most important element is communication without judgment. Ask specific questions: “How does this feel?” “Would you like more pressure or less?” “Show me how you like to be touched here.” This kind of clear communication builds both pleasure and trust.

#6 Many women feel embarrassed to talk to their partners about changes in their sexual needs. How can they start these conversations in a way that feels empowering rather than uncomfortable?

First, timing matters tremendously. Don’t start this conversation during or right after sex, when emotions and vulnerability are heightened. Instead, choose a neutral moment when you’re both relaxed but fully clothed – maybe over coffee on a weekend morning.

Use the “observation, feeling, need” framework. Start with a simple observation: “I’ve noticed sex has been uncomfortable lately.” Then add how you feel: “I’m frustrated because I still want to feel close to you.” Finally, express what you need: “I’d like us to explore more non-penetrative options.”

This approach keeps the focus on your experience without placing blame or criticism on your partner.

Framing is crucial. Instead of presenting changes as problems (“I can’t do what I used to”), present them as opportunities (“I’m discovering new things that feel amazing”). This shifts the conversation from loss to exploration.

Our survey data shows that partnerships where sexual communication is direct report 37% higher satisfaction rates. Yet many women worry these conversations will hurt their partner’s feelings.

If that’s your concern, try leading with curiosity: “I’ve been reading about different ways couples connect intimately during menopause. Would you be open to trying some of these with me?” This approach invites collaboration rather than highlighting problems.

For women who struggle with finding the right words, writing can help. Some find success leaving a note or sending an email that gives their partner time to process before responding. The most successful conversations focus on pleasure, not performance. Rather than discussing what isn’t working, emphasise what could feel good: “I’ve been thinking about how much I loved it when we used to spend more time with oral sex.”

#7 How can self-pleasure help menopausal women rediscover their evolving pleasure points, and are there specific techniques or tools that are particularly beneficial?

Self-pleasure becomes more important during menopause. It’s a pressure-free space to discover how your body’s responses are changing.

Most women rely on the same techniques for decades, then find they suddenly don’t work as well. Try exploring without making orgasm the goal. Set aside time to touch different body parts with varying pressure and speed. What worked at 35 may not work at 55, but new pleasure pathways often emerge. You might notice that you need more clitoral stimulation than you used to, or you might discover an erogenous zone you mostly looked over in the past, like your nipples or anus. Good tools make a real difference:

• Quality vibrators with multiple intensity settings help when you need stronger stimulation
• Lubricant isn’t optional anymore (I know I sound like a broken record by now!)
• Warming up matters more now as blood flow decreases with lower estrogen

Effective techniques include circular motions around the entire vulva (not just directly on the clitoris), rhythmic stimulation of the outer labia, and applying pressure to the lower belly during stimulation.

#8 Menopause doesn’t just affect the individual—partners may also struggle with understanding the changes. What advice do you have for couples navigating these shifts together?

Mismatched libido and mismatched initiation styles are usually the core issues that couples experience during this time. I would recommend first finding out what you and your partner need to get turned on in the first place. Often, couples feel clueless about that, and it turns over time into frustration or a certain heaviness. The spectrum of sexual desire — running from responsive to spontaneous — can help us understand how and why we experience arousal differently. The concept emerged out of research by the pioneering Sex Educator Emily Nagoski. According to Nagoski, folks with more spontaneous desire can feel turned on without needing external stimulus, but rather it just “pops” out of nowhere. Responsive desire is where a person needs a little “nudge” to get them turned on, like physical touch or porn.

If the couple knows about their own and their partner’s sexual desire spectrum, it’s much easier to find a playful and light way to make it.

#10 Beducated is at the forefront of pleasure-based sex education. In your experience, how does access to accurate, shame-free information transform a woman’s relationship with her own pleasure and intimacy?

When women finally get quality information about their bodies, the change is immediate and profound. I’ve witnessed thousands of these transformations over my years at Beducated. The pattern is consistent: women come to us believing something is wrong with them. They’re not orgasming easily, or their desire has disappeared, or sex has become painful. They’ve internalised these challenges as personal failings rather than recognising them as common experiences with actual solutions.

What happens next is remarkable. When they learn that 70% of women don’t orgasm from penetration alone or that responsive desire is completely normal, you can practically see the weight lifting. The shame dissolves, and suddenly, they’re approaching their pleasure with curiosity instead of frustration.

Our research shows women who watch our courses are almost twice as likely to report high sexual happiness than those who do not. That can be transformative for relationships, too. Women who understand their bodies communicate more clearly with partners, set better boundaries, and ask directly for what they need.

For menopausal women specifically, accurate information is particularly powerful. Most have received the message that their sexual lives are essentially over, when the reality is they’re just changing. Learning specific techniques to address vaginal dryness or changing sensitivity patterns gives them practical tools, not just encouragement.

The most meaningful transformation I see is when women stop outsourcing their sexual satisfaction to partners. When they learn their body is their responsibility, not a mysterious landscape someone else needs to figure out, their entire approach to pleasure shifts. The confidence of knowing your body and advocating for your needs extends into every area of life. Access to real education, not just the basics we got in school or the performance-focused stuff in most porn, is the difference between a lifetime of confusion and a life of embodied pleasure.

Reader Questions

“I’ve lost my sex drive completely since entering menopause. Is this normal, and can I get it back?”

Yes, it’s completely normal. Hormonal shifts directly impact desire. Many women regain their libido through a combination of approaches: addressing physical comfort issues, stress reduction, regular movement, and sometimes hormone therapy. Start by ruling out medical causes with your doctor, then focus on creating mental space for desire to emerge by removing stressors and scheduling time for pleasure, with or without a partner.

“My partner doesn’t understand what I’m going through and thinks I’ve just ‘gone off’ sex. How do I help him understand?”

Give him concrete information rather than just feelings. Explain what’s physically happening – less lubrication, thinner tissues, slower arousal – and what that feels like. Bring up some

practical solutions, such as exploring non-penetrative sex. Ask for his partnership in exploring new approaches, making it clear this is about adaptation, not rejection. I understand that your partner might be dealing with complicated feelings of rejection, but you deserve empathy! Make him aware that finding solutions together can help get your sex life back on track, but also don’t be afraid to call him out when he isn’t giving you the support you need.

“Sex has started to feel uncomfortable, and I don’t know how to explain this to my partner without hurting their feelings.”

Frame it as a physical change, not a reflection on them. Try: “My body is responding differently now, and I need to make some adjustments so we can both enjoy this again.” Suggest specific alternatives: “Can we try more extended foreplay?” or “Let’s experiment with this position instead.” Most partners prefer honesty to enduring pain.

By the way, sex should never be painful! If you’re feeling discomfort, don’t be afraid to ask your partner to stop. I’m sure they care about you and would not want to continue knowing you are in pain.

“I used to enjoy spontaneous sex, but now I feel like I need a lot more preparation. How can I make this shift feel natural?”

Reframe preparation as part of the pleasure, not just logistical setup. Send flirty texts earlier in the day to prime your mind. Keep high-quality lube accessible. Consider scheduled “connection times” that might lead to sex, but don’t have to. Think non-sexual touch or even just cuddling on the couch. Many couples find that removing the spontaneity expectation leads to more frequent and enjoyable encounters.

“I want to experiment more, but menopause has made me feel disconnected from my body. Where should I start?”

Start with solo exploration before involving a partner. Take a warm bath, use quality lubricant, and touch different parts of your body without goal-oriented pressure. Notice what feels good now; it might be different from before. Once you’ve reconnected with your responses, introduce one new element at a time with your partner, perhaps starting with an extended massage.

“What are the best lubricants for menopausal women, and are there ingredients to avoid?”

Look for lubricants with minimal ingredients and without glycerin, propylene glycol, or parabens, which can irritate sensitive tissues. Hyaluronic acid lubricants help retain moisture.

Silicone-based lubes last longer and are great for sensitive skin, but shouldn’t be used with silicone toys. For daily comfort (not just during sex), vaginal moisturisers work well. Always avoid anything with cooling or warming sensations unless you’ve tested it first.

“Can lifestyle changes help improve sexual function during menopause?”

Absolutely. Regular cardiovascular exercise improves blood flow to genital tissues.

Anti-inflammatory foods (fruits, vegetables, and omega-3s) may reduce hot flashes. Stress management is critical as cortisol competes with sex hormones. Even 10 minutes of daily

meditation or focused breathing can make a noticeable difference in both physical comfort and mental space for desire. Anything health professionals tell you to do to maintain a healthy lifestyle, no matter where you are in your life.

“I’m dating in midlife and feel nervous about discussing menopause with new partners.”

Normalise it by being matter-of-fact: “Just so you know, like most women my age, I use lubricant for comfort.” Bringing it up before intimate moments removes awkwardness. Most mature partners have encountered these changes before. Consider it a useful filter! Anyone who responds negatively isn’t worth your time. The right partner will appreciate your straightforward communication.

Also, let’s be real, if someone is dating women in their 40s and above, surely they will expect menopause to eventually enter the discussion!

“What role does emotional intimacy play in maintaining a satisfying sex life post-menopause?”

It becomes even more crucial. Physical responses might be slower, but emotional connection directly enhances arousal. Many women report deeper satisfaction when sex includes meaningful eye contact, verbal affirmation, and genuine emotional presence. Make time for non-sexual touch and conversation to build the foundation for better physical intimacy.

“Is there an ideal balance between spontaneous and planned intimacy during menopause?”

The ideal is whatever works for you. Most couples benefit from some scheduled connection time (which might or might not lead to sex) plus openness to spontaneous moments. The key is removing the expectation that desire must arrive spontaneously before any physical touch begins. Many women discover that desire follows arousal after menopause rather than preceding it.

If my words have helped you, a small contribution here will allow them to continue reaching the women who need them most. Also, don't forget to join me on Substack, where I share my Love Notes, a gentle pause in your week to reflect, realign, and reconnect in midlife. It’s not just another newsletter; it’s an intimate circle where I offer fresh intentions, soulful prompts, and simple but powerful shifts to inspire purposeful, creative living. Together, we’ll uncover the small but meaningful changes that help you design a life that feels beautifully your own.