I saw something today that made me stop scrolling. Not because it was profound in a poetic, Pinterest-y way… but because it was blunt. True. A little uncomfortable. The kind of truth that hits you in the chest because you’ve lived it. It was basically this:

I’ve spent most of my life going above and beyond for people. Giving my time, energy, and heart. Showing up for people who wouldn’t show up for me. Prioritising others while being treated like an option. Overextending. Overgiving. Over-functioning. And then, eventually, getting hurt.

And reading it, I thought… yes. That. Exactly that. Because if I’m honest, this has been one of my most consistent patterns, not just in relationships, but in life. I’ve been the woman who holds it all, the woman who makes things work. The woman who anticipates, fixes, smooths over, forgives quickly, gives another chance, sends the message first, checks in, follows up, and shows up.

And for a long time, I told myself it was strength. That it meant I was loving. Loyal. Generous. The “bigger person.” The one with a good heart. But midlife has a way of stripping the romance out of our coping mechanisms. Because sometimes what we call “being a good person”… is actually a trauma response wearing perfume.

Sometimes it’s fear of being abandoned, so you over-give to secure your place. Sometimes it’s a deep discomfort with disappointment that makes you do more to avoid it. Sometimes it’s the old belief that love must be earned through effort and usefulness. And sometimes it’s just habit. Years of being the capable one. The reliable one. The one who never asks for too much. Until one day you realise you’ve been asking for too little.

I’ve had moments, especially in the last few years, where I could feel it in my body before I could even name it. That tightness in my chest when I’m the only one making the effort. That quiet resentment that creeps in when I’m always the one reaching out. That drained feeling after a conversation that felt one-sided, like I’ve given emotional labour and received… silence.

And then, the part that stings: the realisation that some people were never going to meet me where I met them. Not because they’re evil. Not because they meant harm. But because they got used to the version of me who always carried the connection.

And midlife has taught me this truth with ruthless clarity: If you keep making it easy for people to show up half-heartedly, they will.

So I’m changing the rules. Not with anger. Not with bitterness. With self-respect. I’m meeting people where they meet me. I’m matching effort. I’m matching energy. I’m matching respect.

No more overextending. No more one-sided connections dressed up as “being understanding.” No more performing loyalty for people who treat me as optional. If you care, I care. If you show up, I show up. If not… I’m good.

And here’s what I want to say, because midlife women especially need to hear this: Matching energy isn’t petty. It’s peace. It’s the moment you stop trying to earn your place in someone’s life. It’s the moment you stop confusing attachment with connection. It’s the moment you stop abandoning yourself to keep other people comfortable.

Because the woman I’m becoming is tired of doing the most. She’s not cold. She’s not closed. She’s just finally honest about reciprocity. She still loves deeply. She still cares. She still shows up. But she doesn’t bleed to prove it anymore.

And if this is landing for you too, if you’re recognising yourself in the pattern of overgiving, overexplaining, overreaching… let this be your permission slip:

You are not here to beg for effort. You are not here to audition for love. You are not here to carry connections on your back while calling it “maturity.” You deserve mutuality. You deserve consistency. You deserve people who don’t just like you when you’re useful, but value you when you’re human.

So yes, I’ll meet you where you meet me. And the space I used to waste on overextending? I’m giving it back to myself.

If my words have helped you, a small contribution here will allow them to continue reaching the women who need them most. Also, don't forget to join me on Substack, where I share my Love Notes, a gentle pause in your week to reflect, realign, and reconnect in midlife. It’s not just another newsletter; it’s an intimate circle where I offer fresh intentions, soulful prompts, and simple but powerful shifts to inspire purposeful, creative living. Together, we’ll uncover the small but meaningful changes that help you design a life that feels beautifully your own.